The moment it all changed

Through most of my life I struggled with the fact that the family that I lived with was not my biological family. I am sure this is something that many adopted persons go through at sometime in there lives. I think much of that came from the fact that when I was younger I knew so little about where I came from and who I was. Your birthday and background are such an important part of your identity and for the first 15 years of my life this was surrounded in mystery.

I think this also stemmed from the fact that I could see my little brother as the child of my parents. He was like them is so many ways and I was so different. Not having people in my life who were like me and who understood me was hard. Then I found my family and I found piece of my self. However part of me would not let go of those child hood dreams of seeing my mother again. How are you just supposed to let go of the one thing you wanted all your life?

In the last interview my sister asked at what point did it all start to make sense? When did everything change for me? I can remember the day. The day where I was finally able to let go of my birth mother and accept who I was.

It was May 2003 and I was in Central America visiting Eva. I was talking with her about our biological mother because May 19th is the day that she was taken from us and a day that I always think about her. It used to be a very difficult day for me. For in my mind this is the day that my world was ripped apart.

I was talking with Eva about this. I was so sad and trying desperately to understand why this happened to us. Then Eva said something that I will never forget. She said that I had a great mother in Margaret and behind her, looking down on us, was our mother.

A few days later I was back in Boston. I think I was still feeling a little down. When I got home Margaret had something for me. It was a letter she had sent me while I was in school. The letter was part of something the school was doing and was supposed to be posted somewhere in school. For whatever reason they received the letter too late and ended up sending it back home.

I opened it up and started to read. The letter said how proud she was of me and what a joy it was to raise both Derek and my self. On the back she wrote "You are my sunshine my only sunshine. Do you remember I used to sing that to you when you were little?"

I broke down. I remembered very clearly when she used to sing that song. I remembered all the difficult time we had. But most of all I remembered how she loved and cared for my over the years. How both adaptive mother and father gave me so much when I was little. How they stood by me when I struggled to understand who I was and what had happened to me. How they always believed in me. How they taught me right from wrong and so many other valuable life lessons.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister was right. Behind my mother was...my mother. I couldn't believe it. This letter I was supposed to receive during school got sent back but arrived when I was away. So I ended up reading it just when i needed it the most. I guess you might call it fate, but from that moment on things got easier. I felt at peace about the situation that I had not felt before.

Looking back years later I can appreciate so much more what my adoptive family was able to give me. Perhaps my longings for growing up with my birth family came from my youthful ignorance. Or maybe it was easier for me to dream of my perfect family then face the difficulties that every family deals with. Whatever it was, I know now I how fortunate I was to have them. After getting to know my biological family more, I see how they struggle with the love and understanding that was given to me unconditionally. How they have a hard time looking past each others short comings and just loving each other for who they are. What I realize now, is that the perfect family I longed for in my youth, I had all along. Not the family that was my blood but the family that became my blood.

Eva and Roberto Video interview #2

Video Interview with Eva

Update from Panama

Its been a busy past few weeks. I was in Disney for a week with some family and then I went to Minnesota to see my younger brother’s graduation. I was home for two days then I left for CR.

I arrived in Costa Rica last week and spent a few days with my older sister. She had not started her new job yet so we had time to hang out. We were pretty lazy just watching movies and catching up.

I can't believe her daughter Danny is almost nine. Time really flies. When we first met Eva told everyone that she was pregnant. Its been a lot of fun to watch Danny and every one else grow up over the years.

Monday the 21st I left for Panama.The trip to panama was a little interesting because I missed the morning bus. There is a new bus station since I had been here last and the Taxi driver went to the wrong place. By the time we figured out where the correct place was the bus had already left. The driver was really nice though. We chased after the buss and wait by the side of the road for 30 min hoping we hadn’t missed it. We finally gave up and he took me back to the station to see if there was a later buss.

The taxi driver was nice enough not to charge me for all the time we spent looking for the buss. Lucky there was another bus at 11 so I exchanged my ticket for that one. This bus did not go all the way to David panama where my family lives so my father and sister met me at the board to seek me into the country. :)

The next day was my birthday which our family celebrated by getting me a big cake with a picture of a doll that looks just like me. I spent most of the day watching season 2 of house with my little sister.

The last time I was here was a year ago and its amazing to see how much everything has changed in that time. My little sister isn’t so little anymore. She is 15 and in 11th grade. Soon she will be off to college.

The city of David is also getting bigger. They are building new raod and new housing compolexes. About 6th months ago they moved into a new house. Its really nice and not too far away from there old house.

I really enjoy my time here even if its doing nothing and watching lots of episodes of House. I’ll be here for a couple of more day then its back to Costa Rica.

I was able to do a little video interview with my sister about our blog. Hopefully I’ll have that up soon . I’m also planning on interviewing other family members about there experiences.

Well thats it for now. I'm here for 10 more days then back to the US.

Phone Call - By Nelson/Roberto

May 1982

Shortly after Eva saw our mother for the last time, my mother urged my grandmother to take the children and move to Costa Rica where they would be safer. In 1980, Mama Chila packed up the family to live with my aunt Vilma who had been in Costa Rica since 1978. Mama Chila brought with her Vilma's two children Evelyn and Jacqueline. As well as Ana's two children Eva and Ernesto. I had not been born yet and our father Luis was in Cuba recovering from the bullet wound.

Earlier that year, Vilma had married a man named Eduardo who was the son of her employer. It was not the best arrangement since Eduardo did not treat Vilma well and occasionally threatened to deport her is she ever left him. Mama Chila and Vilma both worked during the day to provide for the children. Eduardo who was not as ambitious and stayed around the house most of the day.

They didn't hear much from Luis or Ana. Because of the war it was very hard to send messages. Ana wrote occasionally and the messages where usually delved in person by someone who was involved with the revolution. It had been a few months since Ana had last written. Then one day something weird happened. They received a phone call. Ana never called because it was much to dangerous. Mama Chila and Vilma were both out but Eduardo took the call.

---

Eduardo sits at home watching TV. Its about 3:30 in the afternoon. My aunt Vilma and grandmother Mama Chila have not come home from work yet. Eduardo lazily flips through the channels waiting for the two of them to come so he can eat. Just then the phone rings. He glances over at it wondering if he should bother picking it up. Reluctantly he stands andwaldels over to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello...is this Eduardo?" an agitated voice replies on the other side.

A little surprised by tone of her voice he replies "Yes...who is this?"

"Its Vilma's sister Mila" She says nervously

"Mila! How are you? We haven't herd from you in so lo..."

Ana interrupts him "Eduardo I'm sorry but I don't have much time. Is my mother there its really important."

Slightly annoyed by being cut off he replies "No they haven't returned home from work yet but they should be home soon. You should call back later."

"No there is no time can you give her a message" She is even more nervous now as someone is yelling in the background.

"Yes of course, whats wrong?" Eduardo questions.

"They found us I don't know how." she sounds scared now "I have to go. Tell mama chila I love her and..." she pauses slightly "tell her to take care of my kids..."

The phone clicks and Eduardo not knowing what to make of this stands for a second listening to the dial tone. He hangs up the phone, puzzled by what just happened and sits back down to watch TV.

---

Sometimes I wonder what it must have taken to make that phone call. She must have known when she made the call she would never see her children again. I can't even imagine what that must have been like.

That would be the last thing we ever herd from Ana. We never knew what happened to her after that and most likely we never will.

Tip of my tongue - by Nelson/Roberto

June 1998

"Roberto, levanate" my father says as he nudges me awake.

Its 5:30 in the morning and its still dark out. My flight home leaves in a few hours so I have to wake up and get ready. Sleepily I rub my eyes, yawn and head towards the kitchen. I'm greeted by Gerardo and his wife who promptly start asking me about breakfast. Being so early and my due to the little Spanish I know, all I can do is stair blankly. Picking up on this they try again.

"Cerial?" Gerardo questions. I nod. "Pan...bread?"

"Si" say while fighting back another yawn.

My father says something. He mentions Eva. I perk up a little. I haven't seen her since December when we first met. I think he says that her and Roy will be at the airport.

Time to get ready. I showered and pack up and drag my bags out to the car. The sun is up now and the air is still cool but it's getting warmer.

Its about a 30 minuet drive to the airport so I take out my CD player. I'm always listening to music whenever I travel. This time its The Notorious B.I.G.'s Life after death album. As we drive a long I start to think about camp and how I will be there in two days. "You must be crazy" I think to my self. I'm traveling over 3,000 miles in 4 days. Yesterday morning I was in panama and spent the day in a buss on there way to Costa Rica. Later today I will be back in Boston. Tomorrow I will be packing for camp and Sunday Will be my first day as a Counselor In Training.

Maybe I shouldn't have missed the week of staff training...oh well nothing I can do now. What could possibly go wrong anyway?

We're here. I jump out of the van and look around...no Eva yet. We unload my luggage and find a place to sit. It is a beautiful day. The warm air is intoxicating and makes me not want to leave. But then I remember its summer back home too and we'll probably have more weather like this.

Just then a car pulls up. Its Eva! not a moment too soon either, because its almost time to check in. We all hug and Roy starts chatting away with my dad and Gerardo.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glance at my sister timidly. She must have seen me because she takes my hand and places it on her stomach. She smiles and says something in the best Spanglish she can muster. I'm not really listening, all I can think of how weird this pregnancy thing is. My sister is the first person I can remember that's been pregnant. She is due any day now and her stomach is huge. I move my hand long her brown dress. No kicks, I'm a little disappointed.

I pull my hand back and look up at her. She smiles knowingly. I smile back thinking how grown up and mature she looks. There is something about her, something familiar in those eyes.

Its time to go now. We kiss, hug and say goodbye. I want to tell her something but I don't know what. Its like the words are there, on the tip of my tongue but I don't know how to say them. So I just stood there, looking at her. Someone I want to know but can't. It wouldn't be until three years later that I would realize what I saw that day.

The Back Story - by Nelson/Roberto

Most of this was taken from my college essay and was written about 8 years ago. Since then we have learned a lot more about the details, so it isn't entirely accurate. However it should give you an idea of how I was separated from my family and how they found me again. I will let my mother write about all the details. :)

With the introduction of my birth family came the information of my past and the story of my life.

My story begins even before I was born. My birth father and mother where around 20. My father had been influenced by high school teachers to join the revolutionary movement in El Salvador. Soon after he began his work he met my other Ana Milgro Escobar. Despite objections from her family she joined the movement as well. They were married shortly after in a ceremony of arms.

The group they were a part of the was called the FPL which was one of the sub groups that made up the FLMN. My father was a body guard to the head of the FPL while my mother worked to coordinate the different cells. (In the war people worked in smaller groups called cells. If one cell was captured it did not know enough to give away any information.) This was a very important potion for my mother who had just turned 20.

Later that year, my father was in a gunfight somewhere in the mountains of El Salvador. He was shot inches away from his heart. He spend 3 long days in hiding barely hanging on to life. If one of his brothers had not given him blood he would have surely died.

He was taken to Nicaragua for surgery. He managed to survive the operation but needed a second one to remove the bullet. This required him to go to Cuba. After four months in Cuba he had not gotten the operation and returned to Nicaragua to see my mother. At this point, my brother and sister had been sent to live in Costa Rica with my Grandmother. It was around this time that I was born. My mother and I lived in El Salvador for three month before it became unsafe to live there anymore.

My mother was supposed to meet up with my father in Costa Rica, but it never happened. She was reassigned on a new mission. She and two other men kidnapped a businessman in Honduras. We lived in a safe house for a few months, but the Honduran government found out where she was living. They stormed the house and killed my mother and the two men. This was three days before my first birthday. The police found me in a back room with two other little girls.

They did not know what to do with us so we were put in an orphanage. I stayed there for a whole year before I was adopted. They put sever notices in the paper saying that if any was missing children or knew the who we were they should come forward and claim us. No one came forward and after a year in the orphanage I was adopted.

Around this time my birth father had found out that his wife had been killed and his son was missing. He was furious at certain people within the FPL because they would not let him look for me or give him any information. Disillusioned he left the revolution and warned around Central America. He ended up in Panama where he worked 2 jobs only to earn $20 in a month. One of these jobs was doing silk screening. Think that he could do that on his own he set off to make a better life. He remarried and was able to create a stable business for him and his family.

Through a friend he learned that I had been adopted to a family in America. He began thinking about coming to America to look for me. However he had no idea where I lived so it would be impossible to find me.

In 1992 my grandmother began her search to find me. It took her a year to find an organization that would help her. An organization called Probusqueda spent four more years going though newspapers and whatever government documents they could get their hands on trying to find me. They finally completed their research in 1997 after doing an Internet search to find our phone number. We where contacted by a man working for the Physicians for Human Rights and given a copy of all their findings. After a blood test confirmed that they were my family we made arrangements to meet them during Christmas.

Update: I did some major editing to this entry so it would work better with the adoption story.

Read the whole story in our e-book

A love like no other - by Eva

Since this is a blog about my mother, as a mother I cannot escape to talk about the love a mother has for her children.

Let me tell you, that is not easy at all even though being a mother is the most incredible experience I've ever had... At the beginning it was a shock for me. I thought to my self: Oh my Goodness! I have a person inside of me! Tiny and invisible but in the end a person! A new life, a human being!" Then I thought about all the responsibility it means... but then a feeling that I cannot explain came to me and I started to feel so lucky. What a wonderful gift it is being able to give life! I waited for my child and enjoyed the experience. Every day I saw my belly getting bigger in front of the mirror and as months passed by I finally enjoyed not being able to sit as a normal person any more. I use to refer to the baby as a him, but the day I realized it was a HER my heart started to pump and a joy I can't explain filled me... It was a baby girl! After a few months she started to hit, it is incredible to realize a human being is inside of you and full of life. I used to feel her little feet and knees while she was moving, we both were one.

I spent 24 hours of labor and finally on Tuesday July 21, 1998, Daniela Sofia Sancho Coto was born. So tiny and delicate, she opened her eyes and didn't cry. I think she was more interested in knowing what was going on instead of crying. This day the journey started.

My daughter is now almost nine and she is the most important person in my life. Please don't misunderstand, there are a lot of people so important for me but your own child is the most important person on the planet. Once you have children they become your world. Even if you got home so tired and all that you want is to sleep, you still have to be strong enough to listen every detail she is saying, and listen to her talking for an hour with no interruptions... You still have to be able to think about the homework she brings from school, make her dinner and then exercise with her for one hour more. This when you don't have a motivation to scold her if she has done something wrong...Finally the angel goes to sleep, and when you see her sleeping you know the day has been accomplished, but then you breath deeply and think, the mission hasn't finished yet...

I have to say that I've never understood much about the purpose of being a mother. As we are developing as mother or parents, we are discovering to ourselves as well and it makes our task even more difficult. We have to handcraft this person and decide what is right and wrong for our children while at the same time for ourselves. This brings me to the purpose of this blog and to talk about my mother. If you think about what I just said it is inevitable to think about what our mother did for us. Maybe she regretted not being able to see us grow up everyday, maybe she didn't enjoy looking at us sleeping, maybe she missed a lot of birthdays, but I have not doubt she loved us with this unconditional love. I can assure you she sacrificed herself for us, and now as a mother I totally understand her decisions. As young people, we use to judge our parents and expect them to be perfect but the truth is that there are not perfect parents, just parents full of love and that was her love, a love like no other...

The men of my life and the baby girl of my heart - by Eva

There are three men that share my heart, and one beautiful baby girl that has a half.

One of the men is so quiet, nice and caring boy. I remember I loved him and took care of him like a treasure. I still keep in my mind the days we used to walk hanging hands, how small and nice he was. I saw him grow up, becoming an incredible boy. His heart is one of the biggest in the earth, and he's got a shine that never fades away. Even though his life was hard, he is now a wonderful man, and I gotta say I still love him as the first day I met him, and I am so proud of what he has accomplished though all these years. He's been so smart at business. He gives his best in every single project. He hasn't made to many friends, but everyone who knows him loves him as well.

The other men I never saw him grow up, but the day I met him it was a gift from God. Part of my life was returned to me and I feel now I am complete. After missing him for so long he came to me as a wonderful boy. It was incredible to get along as if we spent the whole life together. No one else understands me so well, no one else knows me as he does. He is so smart, so good. If you look into his eyes you can see how much love he has to give, and when he can, he does not hesitate. So friendly, so nice, he is quite a gentlemen. Everybody loves him since he is not selfish and wants to help any time he can. A Wonderful friend, he is loyal, and always cares about others. He's been always special because God give him a heart that never learned to hate.

The third man is the youngest. He was so small when I met him, so quite and shy, but he couldn't help it and now he is one of the three men that drives me crazy and owns my heart. He was the perfect company for Roberto for so many years. There are so close and always support to each other. God gave Roberto someone to share childhood, because God knew it is not good to grow up alone. He is crazy about turtles, and no one can tell why is this, but after meeting one of them in person now I understand his fascination about this wonderful animal. Nowadays he is a handsome boy, a lot more talkative now and his quote for me is: "Be adventurous!"

The baby girl that is left keeps the half of my heart. Maybe she does not know what I feel about her, but the day I saw her for the first time I was really happy. I met a cute baby and immediately she opened her arms to me. She couldn't walk and I remember her first step. She was my baby, I remember changing her pampers and giving her a bath. I remember her mom dressing her like a princess, and a princess she was. She was a really happy child, always hugging and expressing her feelings, her heart is huge and she has a lot of love to share. She is a young lady and the nicest girl I've ever met. She is my love, my treasure. She means a lot to me. I wish I could give her more love and time but unfortunately it couldn't be. Even though I know she loves me and admires me, but what she doesn't know is that I admire her the most.

And in these few words there they are. Those are my siblings. Each of them are different, but are so a like at the same time. Not every day I can say that but by having them my life is complete. No matter the distance they truly own my heart...

The meaning of family - by Eva

It was late at night. It seemed that every Christmas flight was delayed on this day. It was the longest waiting I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk too much, we were just there waiting. Time passed and we just looked at each other trying to guess what was going on through each other's mind.

Suddenly a bunch of people come to the exit door and there he comes … Oh my God! That’s him, that’s Roberto! We don’t need any DNA test in our hands to know its him, he is an exact copy of my father standing there! We didn’t know what to do but go over him and hug him. All of us wanted to hug him and touch him, maybe to see if it was truly happening… I remember my grandma’s face, she wanted to cry but she was trying so hard not to.

After all the hugs and kisses, I looked back and they were there. It was his family. It is his father, his mother and little brother. There were like the definition of family. They were there right behind him supporting him but so stumped. I don’t know what would they were thinking at that moment. I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling they could have been experiencing then but they were so brave. They just were standing there and letting him to reunite with his family and I mean, they are his family… I believe they may be thinking: “we are going to lose him!”

What a difficult decision to make: keep him with them by not saying a word about his family, or let him to get together with his family with the risk to lose him. Myself I don’t know what I would do being in their place.

Today I wonder: How is that you can become family to people you’ve never met? How is that you can also love these people since the very beginning? How is that you get to know them just to look into their eyes? Would it be because all of this was meant to be? What a perfect plan since everything fits since the beginning even if it didn't look like. God knew how to make it work. He knew the perfect family for him so he would never be alone. God gave him three amazing people that really loved him, cared about him and raised him as the wonderful guy he is. We love them just knowing they took care of him as their own, but then we got to know how wonderful people they are!

I've met them 9 years ago, and I heard Tom says once: "... we met 9 years ago, and it seems like we have met you for the whole life..." and now I think those words are so true... Those words meant a lot to me, because he was kind of saying what he feels about us. Margaret said at the Church back in New Hampshire she was glad to have their daughter (me) and her daughter (Dani) at home for Christmas. Derek also said something like: She is our sister, she is visiting! Today I am glad I had them as well. I've never felt so supported and never felt someone who is not my own blood takes care of me so much like they all do. They give me support, they give me confidence, they give me advise and they give me love. All of this on top of the material things. Love is what I truly appreciate and keep in my heart.

I guess I'll always keep saying to them THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... They must be tired of hearing it but there are no other words to express what I feel about them and about the love they have to my brother who needed them so much, and for us that just appeared one day looking for our boy. Today I gotta say how beautiful people you are!

I've never imagined the possibility to "post" ones feelings anywhere, and now that is what I am doing. This post is so personal and it shows my perception and the meaning of the word FAMILY to me, "not always the family that is our blood but the family that can BECOME your blood"

You gave me life - by Eva

To you:

Things haven't been perfect, I know. Sometimes I wish I could get to know you more. Even though you've been so far away from me for my whole life you've never left my heart.

I am sorry if I've hurt you, I am aware I am just human. I am sorry I am not the perfect person for you. You've gave me life, what a wonderful present that is. You've gave me strength, you showed me how to fight and not to give up, not to be afraid, you showed me how to be a person who cares.

You're a wonderful person, you mean a lot to me. You don't know how much I've loved you cause I haven't been able to show you the place in my life you've owned for all of these years. But today I gotta tell you I LOVE YOU those simple words I say even we have been apart from each other the blood call is something you cannot get away.

I wish I could tell you all what I feel, I wish I could open up my heart for you. Life has placed us where we are but love will never fade away. Like the song goes we've been far away and for so long and we couldn't help it. We've grown old and been through so much but I will always be your baby girl I know.

That is me, I am just your daughter even if I don't look like you at all. I have your blood in my veins and there is something you should know. I will never forget about you cause I love you so much Dad.

A song for you Mom - by Eva

Every time I listen to this song I think about you Mom, I feel those words are pretty much of what I have inside of me. I really miss you Mom and you haven't gone anywhere since you are still here in my heart. I love you.

Fade away, fade away, fade away...
You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
Well, you were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you?
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true?
If I only had one more day... fade away
I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you?
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true?
If I only had one more day.....
Well,I'd jump at the chance, We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word
As if it's your last, well I know it's your last
Cause today, oh, you're gone
Could it be any harder, fade away
Could it be any harder, fade away
Yeah Could it be any harder to live my life without you?
Could it be any harder?
I'm all alone, I'm all alone
Like sand on my feet, the smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever, baby I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go away to touch you again, with life in your hands
It couldn't be any harder.. harder..

A Little bit of Mama Chila - by Mireya

Mamá Chila is my grandmother, as my cousin Eva said she’s really a loving and caring, Mother and Grandmother. So delicate and small, with wrinkles from all the hard blows she had received in her life. But every time she has known how to rise above it, how to get trough it. She’s a leader, she always has been the center of the family and the motor who move it. So it was hard for me as a granddaughter to see such a powerful women, fall into the deepest of sadness. This happened when her great-grandchild was killed. I’m talking about Renecito, a beautiful, smart and healthy kid, who's tragic death brought the family together. At the funeral, I saw a different Mamá Chila. She was in a deep thought.

Probably remembering the death of her son René, whom as fate would have it died in similar circumstances. That day I thought that she would become ill and I feared that she could not live with that suffering. The days following, while Renecito's mother Eugenia, was recovering Mamá Chila was so sad. Deep in thought as if she was looking for an reason it happened. As if she was wanting to find the meaning of it all. Trying to turn back time and erase all the pain. Once Eugenia, was back from the hospital, resting and recovering, Mamá Chila began recovering too. Her vitality, energy and happiness returned. I never really lived with my grandmother before.

The last time was when we traveled to Costa Rica all those years ago to meet my cousin Roberto. This time I got to spend more time with her, so I could get to know her a little more. Once again I saw a strong, tenacious woman, who wakes up at 6 in the morning even on Sundays, and she fall sleep at 7 at night. As I said in the beginning, she is the foundation of our family. We all have a little piece of her inside us. I can´t imagine my life with anyone other than Mamá Chila.

They Never Forgot - by Nelson/Roberto

2001 was a really hard year for me. I had finished my first year and half in college and hadn't done very well. Every course I took I was on the verge of failing even though I tried very hard in some of my classes it just wasn't enough. I decided to transfer schools because I just couldn't keep up. I felt like I was failing out. I had pledged in a fraternity and while it probably didn't help academically it was my saving grace socially. I had lost touch with everything I liked to do. I was missing Carolina, my love interest, all the time and I just wanted to go see her again. Our relationship was a little...dysfunctional to say the least and it was really getting to me. Not only did she live in another country but she had a boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. Needless to say it was not an easy time for me.

I went down to panama as usual for Christmas. I was really down and my family could tell. They tried to cheer me up as best they could but nothing really worked.

One night I was sitting outside looking at the star and my stepmother Miriam came to talk with me. We talked about some of the stuff we I was going through. Between her broken English and my broken Spanish I'm surprised we talked about as much as we did. She sat there dictionary in hand and comforted me as best she could.

I'm not exactly sure what we were talking about but I remember her telling me how much my family cared for me. She said Eva, Toto and Estefany grew up knowing about their brother who had been lost. Luis had learned through some friends that I had been adopted to America. He had no idea where in America but he was saving money to come look for me. Those words cut right through me and I broke down...they never forgot about me. Even though I was lost for 15 years they never forgot. I was completely overwhelmed by that.

I'm not sure why it meant so much to me and why it still does. Maybe it has to do with being adopted. One question that I think every adopted child asks him or her self at some point is why was I given up? Even if the situation was for the best you can't help but feel like you were forgotten. So hearing those words was like an answer of my payers or something. I have no way of describing it.

Even now as I sit here reading my sister post about how my grandmother never stopped looking for me I'm overwhelmed by a feeling I can only describe as joy. However that does not even come close to the feelings that I have. To never be forgotten. There are no words. I have to be one of the luckiest people in the world. So many people are neglected and forgotten about. Not only did I have a wonderful family here in America but I also had a family in Central America that never stopped thinking about me, never stopped looking, and never stopped caring.

No matter how lost I was to them or even to myself they never EVER forgot about me...

The angel sent by God - by Eva

I’ve heard that God takes something away from you but instead he gives you something back and in my case this is true. When I feel the pain of loosing my mom, I try to see the whole picture. I comfort my self because in the end I know He has a plan, the most perfect plan for all of us. It was hard not having her of course but every time I think about it I can’t but to think about my Grandma, the famous and loved Mama Chila.

She is such a strong woman and at the same time the most caring woman I’ve ever known. To look into her eyes, is to look at a whole life filled with suffering and sadness. Every mark on her face shows she is old, but even so she is young at heart. This woman has been through too much, so that the sadness never goes away, even if she is happy. So small and delicate, she has done any kind of work just to support her family. She’s got an incredible wisdom given by God. Always a leader, always the center of the family she is always there for us. She means the whole world to us. She has many daughters and sons because every one loves her as is her blood.

She didn’t give me life, but I don’t think the kind of love she has for us could possibly be named. She loved us like a mom, she loved us like a grandma with a love that could not be described. For all these years she took care of us, suffered, and worried. She worked for us and gave us all material things she could give, but her most important gift was her unconditional love. She showed us the right and wrong, she was an example of how to be a good person, she made us the people we are today and she made me the woman I am.

Never afraid, she never gave up in any situation in her life. She never gave up looking for my brother either and in this story she is the angel God sent to earth to take care of all of us. She is an example of a person who never forgets and never leaves behind her blood.

She used to talk about Roberto a lot. The thing she worried the most was if he was with someone who loved him. It was what she really cared about because she always said she has a lot of love for him. So she wondered all the time: Where is Roberto? Is he loved? Finally one day she announced she was going to El Salvador to look for him even though she knew it was risky. She started the journey with my aunt's help and went to knock on every door she could possibly remember of people my mother was involved with. A lot of them were slammed in her face… One day, her reward came unexpectedly. Years and years of wondering where he was, if he was OK and what kind of boy would he be, finally ended for her.

Everyday I wonder how is that this tiny and old woman could have been so strong and never broke down. So calmed and quite, I never saw her crying…just once...the day she knew Roberto was alive…that day she changed…

Let me tell you she became a different person then. Certainly her sadness was still there but extraordinarily she was happy and you could see it in her eyes. They were never the same any more. Some how she got strength from somewhere and it seemed to me like she started all over again. It was like she could breath again and release part of this pain in her heart. All the effort and pain through all of these years gave her a reward, she has lost a daughter but then she recovered her grandson.

Mila's Last letter

A letter to her mother by my Ana Milagro.

September 23, 1981

Dear Mom,

I hope that when you receive this letter you are in good health as well as everybody around you. Mom the person who carries this letter will ask about the kids and how he can help you. I want you to tell him everything that the children need. I will stay here meantime. I don't know how long but I hope that you can understand my situation. I want to see my children the more than anything but right now I can not.

I could only send you some of the things you asked for because as you know my economical situation is difficult.

On the a different note I want you to explain why you left Nicaragua and what told you those people. Finding out that you are there [in Costa Rica] was for me a great surprise because I don't know your reasons. Can you tell me where Luis is? I haven't see him since I was there.

Some people are telling me that Toto is a cry-baby and is drinking too much coffee. Please don't make them spoiled kids. Remember that they are with you for now but they will be with me again one day

and you know how I am with them.

I want to let you know that Haydee is going to move into her own house in October and we are thinking about selling the apartment. Dalila says not to sell it and Tita says sell it to buy a house instead.

My advise to you is to sell it and have the money sent there because here [in El Salvador] the situation is getting worse every day. It [victory] is not going to be as soon as we thought. Maybe it is going to take two years or more and for that reason it is better that you sell the apartment and try to start over there. Even we [in the movement] don't know how the situation is going to be and if my sisters left the country they wouldn't have anywhere to go. However if you are there they will have somewhere to go in emergency. Dalila might move in when Haydee leaves because if not we will lose the apartment.

Regarding the power of attorney I advise you to do it there with help of a lawyer. Then send it back to the country [El Salvador]. I don't advise going in person because it is too dangerous. Passing trough Honduras is to risky. They let you go inside but do not let you go out. Something bad could happen. Everybody who go inside the country is checked and interrogated. I want to tell you that some female cousins of the Haydee's midwife went there, were taken out of their house, were raped, and killed. For that reason it is better that you do not to go although you I know want to see your daughters. But it would be far instead worse being so close but dead.

Try to solve apartment's problem staying there [in Costa Rica]. Come to an agreement with them [your daughters]. You can call them by phone or write to them but don't let them know where I am because that could be risky. Please tell Vilma the same. She should not to write things that could compromise me because every letter coming out of the country is read. The same goes if you call by phone. Be careful because the risk is with your daughters who are there [El Salvador].

Tina called 5 months ago and she said that she had written several times to Vilma but Vilma didn't answer. Even more she thinks that the letters never were received because of the situation of the country

I explained to her that you were fine and I told her not to worry. I promised I would write to you but I don't know if her letters were received. Tita says that Raulito of Andreita wants to buy the apartment. He wants to get a loan. We told him that you wanted 8,000 colones for it. I Think that is a very good deal. If you still find someone who wants to buy it, sell it. Please do what I tell you because you know better than anybody that I am always truthful with you. Even if you do nothing with the money but spend it on food that money is still yours.

Lupe of Andreita came to ask for clothing and shoes. She said because you always brought her cloth and shoes she misses you. Andreita also came. She has become a fat woman and asked us to send her regards to you. They still live in “Tierra Blanca” [white land]. Alicia lives en “La Santa Lucia” and she rents a house there with a young men and Yolan. She wasn't able to get to United States. Isabel of Andreita is pregnant. La Lupe was looking for a job because Roque's salary is no enough

I sent you photos of the baby. His name is Roberto Alfredo. Tell the kids that he is their little brother. I trust god that they meet him soon. Tell me what Eva says about her father, if she misses him, if she still remembers me. I am fine although I had some problems because of the childbirth but it was nothing serious. The baby looks like Eva.

(Baby Nelson/Roberto and older cousin)

I will see if I can send you money monthly so tell me what you need and how much money you spend. I sent you some things inside of the suitcase. If you need the suitcase then take it, if not send it to me because I need it.

The things which I send are

3 panties for Eva

socks for Toto

1 pan and spoons

2 blankets

1 lotion

1 soup

1 talc

1 blouse for you (Dalila sends it)

underwear for you

1 pair of shoes (Tita sends them)

3 towels

2 pair of pants for Rene

2 shirts

socks

handkerchiefs

shoes

1 jacket

other things

Now I must I say goodbye to you.

The daughter who misses you so much,

Mila

P.S.

Send me Vilma's phone number. I will see if I can call from time to time in order to see how you are. If Luis should call Vilma's mother in law, she shouldn't tell him where you are. She should tell him that you left for the country.

A women one of a kind / by Eva

One of the things that really bothered me the most since I lost my mother is the fact that Mom and Dad had kids even though they knew they were at risk and their lives were in danger. I used to wonder: Why if I know my life is in danger would I have children? OK, let's say that one child is the legacy of the marriage, but two? and then three? I thought that it was irresponsible of them. Especially since they were actually fighting in the field and part of something really difficult in the middle of the war. And again I wondered WHY?

For so long I blamed my parents for our separation. I blamed them for loosing my little brother who I never met. For years and years of seeing my Grandma quietly suffering and for not being there...I guess that is part of the feeling you develop in these situations. I like to think about it as the way I had to comfort myself and to make sense of all the things I didn't ask for. Non of this made any sense for me during all my childhood. It took years and years for me to understand...

My last birthday, Margaret asked Roberto and I for an interview to talk about my mother. Margaret knows how difficult is for us, specially for me, to talk about all of these things. To remember and open up but I knew she really needed to do that and I agreed. During the interview I tried so hard not to cry. It is always painful to put out my Mom from my heart but there was something Margaret said that made me understand a lot of things that suddenly made sense for me that day: My Mom would never do a thing like this if she wouldn't has been 100% sure it was the right thing to do! Of course, Margaret was right! And then, everything became so clear to me. In an instant, my daughter Dani came to my mind and I knew why she was doing it and that it was for me, for my brothers, for my family!

Then, I understood that was my Mom's way to do something for other people and that makes me think about how brave she was since she actually DID something. She didn't wait to see the change, she WAS the change, the force to make it real. She fought for something she really believed in and I wonder how many of us can do that without hesitation? How many of us can fight for other people just to make a difference? My Mom was a really brave woman. She had determination and in her plans she knew that us (her children, her blood) would have a different opportunity, a chance to be better and improve ourselves, even if that didn't make any sense at that moment. Perhaps she had a vision of the future that not all the people had back then.

I use to think about me as her living memory since I look a lot like her. I like to think that I am her representation today and let me tell you, that is a huge responsibility because sometimes I am not sure if I am as brave as she was. As strong as she was. As caring and loving as she was but there is something I am sure about. I am so proud to be the daughter of my mother, a women one of a kind...

The last time I saw her - by Eva

After thinking a lot about what I should write next, the day I saw my mother for the last time came to my mind. A lot flashes through my mind, the vision I have is so blurry. I do remember that day…

I’ve never talked about it before to anyone, maybe because I didn’t trust my memory. But now it seems to flow in my mind and makes sense after all. Oh God, I was just 3 years old…

I have the feeling I hadn’t seen her for so long the day she came, the last time I saw her. I remember she was in a rush, kind of nervous, maybe anxious, but looking at her was like looking an angel. I couldn’t have been happier to have her back.

I remember her bringing a lot of presents for me, my brother Ernesto and for my Grandma too. At that time, there was just the two of us siblings. I remember I loved all the presents, but all I wanted was to be with her. However, she was having a conversation with my father and they seemed to be very serious about it. Their faces had an expression of anguish that I couldn’t understand at that moment, and now I think maybe they knew they were not going to see each other again…

After that, all that I remember is my mom packing her bag the next day…

She’s got a perceptible sadness in her eyes, a sad look that will never fade of my memories. Even so she was calmed and peaceful, with a peace that only someone who is doing the right thing can have…

She comes to me and hugs me for so long. I don’t remember the words she said to me, but I do remember her looking at me with such love. I can say it was with the love that I use to look at my beautiful daughter nowadays., As if you were looking the most precious treasure you could have. My brother Toto was standing there, the interesting thing about it is that he was calmed as well. He wasn’t crying, but he’s got those puppy dog eyes about the situation. Maybe because he wasn’t aware of what was happening and was trying to understand, or maybe because it was a prelude of his strong but calmed personality.

I wish I could remember more about her. After watching her saying good bye all that I remember is that I cried, cried from the deepest part of my heart, like I am crying now. I remember all I could say was: “Don’t go Mom, don’t go… ”

Eva's Introduction

There is something you should know about my family first: we are not the type of people that quit easily. Not that kind… we have been fighters throughout life…

Pain and suffering are two words that my family knows really well and how can I start to tell my own story (which is my family’s as well) without using these kind of words? Well, I wish I didn't have to, but it is quite a bit of what we have to tell…

That is the reason why I have to start talking about how hard it is to lose someone you love. Even when you are only 3 years old and are not aware of sense of lost. You suffer, and it hurts deep in your heart. Growing up without the guidance and care of a mother is a really tough task. You always feel there is something missing, there is something gone. You always feel you need something in your life but you don’t realize what that thing is. There is a lonely feeling that stays with you no matter if you are happy or sad... It is something more, something not understandable.

But I don’t have to feel cheated by God and life. They gave me the purest love I could ever have, my Grandma. The best, the nicest, the most caring and loving Grandma on earth… she was my support through all these difficult years. But the thing is, WHY?

Wondering why has been a deep thought during my life, and now I know it is a question without an answer. However, it is the most important question we have asked to ourselves…

I guess this is the reason why we are telling our story. So maybe we can understand, and make others to understand what we went through. How after all, it has became a MIRACLE…

As my brother said, Ana Milagro is the name of our mother, which means MIRACLE,. If you think about it, a miracle is full of power, full of hope, full of blessings, and I like to think that this is the legacy she gave to us... and this is her story, the story of a MIRACLE...