A goodbye for Mama Chila - by Eva

It's been almost a week since everything happened, and today I'm here home alone, trying to understand... I've always tried to see the good things in any situation, the learnings and the lessons, the happiness after the crying, but now I wonder how long it's going to take for me to see the comfort from this loss.


But let's try to do it, because that is what she would've wanted from me...
The feeling I was so afraid of is right here with me now: back to reality, and everything seems bizarre to me... having to think again about my own life, leaving behind what I've lost—it's really hard.


She used to say we didn't have to cry for her when she died, but that day at the hospital, standing right next to her bed, watching how life was leaving her slowly and how hard it was for her to take a breath, made me cry as I have never cried before. I'm still wondering why it had to be me who was the one she choose to be with her at the very last moment. My family explains to me that it was meant to be, that I was the one who God wanted to be there, and I may know it in my mind but my heart doesn't find much comfort in any possible explanation... I only know I told her how much we loved her, how much she meant to us, and that we were so thankful for all she gave us. Then I made a prayer and watched her last breath, and I watched how our angel left.


And that's what my mom was: an angel, a beautiful person who knew how to pull everyone together, always the center of the family, the point of reunion, wisdom personified. So humble but with such dignity, so small but so strong, so old but with such energy. She suffered so much, but she gave so much love. She never hesitated to give anything to others—her time, her love, her care, her food, her advice. She was always there and everyone respected her.


Her life was difficult for her, but inspiring to others. She always found the strength to continue, to make an effort in everything she did. She always found a way to behave with integrity and morality in all situations; she never judged anyone; she never left anyone behind. She cared about others as she would her own family. Everyone loved her. Everyone called her their Mama Chila...


Despite the sadness and how difficult it was to say goodbye, a remarkable series of events took place when my mom died.


It was amazing to see how many people she got to reunite. Some people I haven't seen in so many years came to say goodbye: family, friends, and even people who never met her! One told another, and in the end she got what she deserved, a very warm, lovely and sincere goodbye from all those who loved her and had received, in one way or another, some of her love for everyone.


Many more helped for her funeral and all that that takes. Some others gave their support as friendship, holding or simply calling, and others were there in person or with their prayers... All my mom's daugthers were there, reunited after so many years. We were all together as one big family.


There are no words to describe what she means for us. Everyone who knew her understands how special and particular this lady was. It is hard to say goodbye to a person like that, however I have to do it.


Mom: You were the only mother I knew when I was a kid. You were always there for me and loved me unconditionally. You taught me good from bad and how to be a person who cares. You were my strength in every difficult time, and you were there with me to celebrate the blessing to be a mother. You will always live in my heart, but now I know you are with God in a better place.


Thanks for everything you gave me and did for me. Thanks for all the love and thanks for being my angel, everyone's angel...Goodbye mom.

My Grandmother - by Nelson/Roberto

About a month or so ago I found out that my grandmother was sick. At the time we did not know what was wrong with her, but she seemed to think this was the end for her. They told me she was tired and was ready to move on.

This was something I was not expecting to hear from her. Over the past couple of trips I had started to notice her aging more than she had before. I had a lingering feeling that one day I would have to say goodbye. However it wasn't until I heard what she said to my sister that it actually hit me.

I am going to miss her. Now I can't say that I am very close to her. Since my Spanish isn't the greatest, we don't talk much.

When I see her it’s for a few hours each trip. She greets me with a smile and asks me about the rest of the family. She never asks me about my life or what I am doing. She loves to cook for me, and I definitely enjoy her food. It’s so simple and in some ways so meaningful.

It’s not talking, it’s not judging, it’s not questioning. It’s just being together.

I'm not exactly sure why this is affecting me this much. I've had other grandmothers whom I loved pass away, and I didn't feel like this. I don't think I was that close to them either. Maybe it’s because without her I would not be sitting here in my sister's house.

I don't think I can put into words what she means to me and how I feel about her. All I can say is that she never gave up on me and because of her hard work I have had so many happy memories.

She is doing much better now, but I know that one day I will have to say goodbye. Hearing those words was a wake up call in some way. I suddenly knew that each time I see her it might be the last. It’s a little sad to think about, but from now on I will appreciate so much more every moment I get to spend with her.

Phone Call - By Nelson/Roberto

May 1982

Shortly after Eva saw our mother for the last time, my mother urged my grandmother to take the children and move to Costa Rica where they would be safer. In 1980, Mama Chila packed up the family to live with my aunt Vilma who had been in Costa Rica since 1978. Mama Chila brought with her Vilma's two children Evelyn and Jacqueline. As well as Ana's two children Eva and Ernesto. I had not been born yet and our father Luis was in Cuba recovering from the bullet wound.

Earlier that year, Vilma had married a man named Eduardo who was the son of her employer. It was not the best arrangement since Eduardo did not treat Vilma well and occasionally threatened to deport her is she ever left him. Mama Chila and Vilma both worked during the day to provide for the children. Eduardo who was not as ambitious and stayed around the house most of the day.

They didn't hear much from Luis or Ana. Because of the war it was very hard to send messages. Ana wrote occasionally and the messages where usually delved in person by someone who was involved with the revolution. It had been a few months since Ana had last written. Then one day something weird happened. They received a phone call. Ana never called because it was much to dangerous. Mama Chila and Vilma were both out but Eduardo took the call.

---

Eduardo sits at home watching TV. Its about 3:30 in the afternoon. My aunt Vilma and grandmother Mama Chila have not come home from work yet. Eduardo lazily flips through the channels waiting for the two of them to come so he can eat. Just then the phone rings. He glances over at it wondering if he should bother picking it up. Reluctantly he stands andwaldels over to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello...is this Eduardo?" an agitated voice replies on the other side.

A little surprised by tone of her voice he replies "Yes...who is this?"

"Its Vilma's sister Mila" She says nervously

"Mila! How are you? We haven't herd from you in so lo..."

Ana interrupts him "Eduardo I'm sorry but I don't have much time. Is my mother there its really important."

Slightly annoyed by being cut off he replies "No they haven't returned home from work yet but they should be home soon. You should call back later."

"No there is no time can you give her a message" She is even more nervous now as someone is yelling in the background.

"Yes of course, whats wrong?" Eduardo questions.

"They found us I don't know how." she sounds scared now "I have to go. Tell mama chila I love her and..." she pauses slightly "tell her to take care of my kids..."

The phone clicks and Eduardo not knowing what to make of this stands for a second listening to the dial tone. He hangs up the phone, puzzled by what just happened and sits back down to watch TV.

---

Sometimes I wonder what it must have taken to make that phone call. She must have known when she made the call she would never see her children again. I can't even imagine what that must have been like.

That would be the last thing we ever herd from Ana. We never knew what happened to her after that and most likely we never will.

Premonition?

My older brother Ernesto sent me this picture yesterday. Its a drawing he did when he was in elementary school. Whats interesting that it was in an envelope that had Roberto written on the front.

We both think it is a picture of us meeting for the first time. The girl and boy at the top of the picture are him and Eva. The little bot coming down the steps of the airplane is probably me and holding my hand is my mother Ana. Next to her could be Mama Chila and Luis.

Whats really weird is that this isn't far off from what actually happened. So I wonder is it just a coincidence or a premonition...

Was it all in vain? - by Nelson/Roberto

While surfing the web this week, looking for other blogs about El Salvador I came a across the A Different View of a Good Life blog. The author meg has spent some time living in El Salvador and she writes about her accounts there. In this post she talk about the violence in El Salvador.

El Salvador has a culture of violence and trauma reinforced by a history of a brutal civil war; a war that ended with some peace accords that basically lied to the people by saying things were going to change. It is true, things did change. Many say that the poverty rate is worse now than when it was in the war. Imagine that, the people have gotten poorer? The rich politicians have brought in their neoliberal politics and trade agreements (CAFTA) to benefit their friends in corporations. And the people are slowly losing their right to march and protest the injustice going on in their country because as the government likes to say, the protests of the left are terrorist acts, so now there is new terrorist legislation.

Then there are the gangs. The gangs of El Salvador originated in the US, but with the slick deportation process of the US government, El Salvador found a new problem to deal with. The gangs are neither leftist or rightist, but Tony Saca likes to think the gangs are all leftist (even if Arena does pinta y pega with gang members during the elections). And so, with the easy solutions of the Arena government, all the youth of El Salvador are a target. So much for treasuring your future!

So when you couple a history of violence with a people in growing need for food, shelter and jobs, youth who are being targeted, gang members who target everyone (especially busses), and the slow political process that takes human rights away one by one, one might find a breading ground for a whole mess of effects brought on by this culture. One such effect is widespread violence.

A lot goes on in this country every day. Busses are attacked and burned if they didn’t pay the gang fare. Patrons of busses are robbed or killed every day. In the night there are shootings, and we have a homicide rate that is through the roof. Occasionally there are protests, but the last one turned into a police instigated riot with helicopters equipped with gunmen.

A few months ago one of my cousins almost died her when her husband shot her and killed their baby son. This was very hard on my grandmother and it took her a while to get over it. Maybe a year before another cousins on my fathers side died in a car jacking incident.

I wasn't close to either of them but in a way this is so depressing to me. I mean my family lost so much in this war. My mother gave her life and my father lost his home, his wife and his son for 16 years. For what? so that the country could become even poorer?

He has been through some very hard times in his life and you can see how the war has affected him. I would hate for him to find out it was all for nothing...

The Back Story - by Nelson/Roberto

Most of this was taken from my college essay and was written about 8 years ago. Since then we have learned a lot more about the details, so it isn't entirely accurate. However it should give you an idea of how I was separated from my family and how they found me again. I will let my mother write about all the details. :)

With the introduction of my birth family came the information of my past and the story of my life.

My story begins even before I was born. My birth father and mother where around 20. My father had been influenced by high school teachers to join the revolutionary movement in El Salvador. Soon after he began his work he met my other Ana Milgro Escobar. Despite objections from her family she joined the movement as well. They were married shortly after in a ceremony of arms.

The group they were a part of the was called the FPL which was one of the sub groups that made up the FLMN. My father was a body guard to the head of the FPL while my mother worked to coordinate the different cells. (In the war people worked in smaller groups called cells. If one cell was captured it did not know enough to give away any information.) This was a very important potion for my mother who had just turned 20.

Later that year, my father was in a gunfight somewhere in the mountains of El Salvador. He was shot inches away from his heart. He spend 3 long days in hiding barely hanging on to life. If one of his brothers had not given him blood he would have surely died.

He was taken to Nicaragua for surgery. He managed to survive the operation but needed a second one to remove the bullet. This required him to go to Cuba. After four months in Cuba he had not gotten the operation and returned to Nicaragua to see my mother. At this point, my brother and sister had been sent to live in Costa Rica with my Grandmother. It was around this time that I was born. My mother and I lived in El Salvador for three month before it became unsafe to live there anymore.

My mother was supposed to meet up with my father in Costa Rica, but it never happened. She was reassigned on a new mission. She and two other men kidnapped a businessman in Honduras. We lived in a safe house for a few months, but the Honduran government found out where she was living. They stormed the house and killed my mother and the two men. This was three days before my first birthday. The police found me in a back room with two other little girls.

They did not know what to do with us so we were put in an orphanage. I stayed there for a whole year before I was adopted. They put sever notices in the paper saying that if any was missing children or knew the who we were they should come forward and claim us. No one came forward and after a year in the orphanage I was adopted.

Around this time my birth father had found out that his wife had been killed and his son was missing. He was furious at certain people within the FPL because they would not let him look for me or give him any information. Disillusioned he left the revolution and warned around Central America. He ended up in Panama where he worked 2 jobs only to earn $20 in a month. One of these jobs was doing silk screening. Think that he could do that on his own he set off to make a better life. He remarried and was able to create a stable business for him and his family.

Through a friend he learned that I had been adopted to a family in America. He began thinking about coming to America to look for me. However he had no idea where I lived so it would be impossible to find me.

In 1992 my grandmother began her search to find me. It took her a year to find an organization that would help her. An organization called Probusqueda spent four more years going though newspapers and whatever government documents they could get their hands on trying to find me. They finally completed their research in 1997 after doing an Internet search to find our phone number. We where contacted by a man working for the Physicians for Human Rights and given a copy of all their findings. After a blood test confirmed that they were my family we made arrangements to meet them during Christmas.

Update: I did some major editing to this entry so it would work better with the adoption story.

Read the whole story in our e-book

The meaning of family - by Eva

It was late at night. It seemed that every Christmas flight was delayed on this day. It was the longest waiting I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk too much, we were just there waiting. Time passed and we just looked at each other trying to guess what was going on through each other's mind.

Suddenly a bunch of people come to the exit door and there he comes … Oh my God! That’s him, that’s Roberto! We don’t need any DNA test in our hands to know its him, he is an exact copy of my father standing there! We didn’t know what to do but go over him and hug him. All of us wanted to hug him and touch him, maybe to see if it was truly happening… I remember my grandma’s face, she wanted to cry but she was trying so hard not to.

After all the hugs and kisses, I looked back and they were there. It was his family. It is his father, his mother and little brother. There were like the definition of family. They were there right behind him supporting him but so stumped. I don’t know what would they were thinking at that moment. I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling they could have been experiencing then but they were so brave. They just were standing there and letting him to reunite with his family and I mean, they are his family… I believe they may be thinking: “we are going to lose him!”

What a difficult decision to make: keep him with them by not saying a word about his family, or let him to get together with his family with the risk to lose him. Myself I don’t know what I would do being in their place.

Today I wonder: How is that you can become family to people you’ve never met? How is that you can also love these people since the very beginning? How is that you get to know them just to look into their eyes? Would it be because all of this was meant to be? What a perfect plan since everything fits since the beginning even if it didn't look like. God knew how to make it work. He knew the perfect family for him so he would never be alone. God gave him three amazing people that really loved him, cared about him and raised him as the wonderful guy he is. We love them just knowing they took care of him as their own, but then we got to know how wonderful people they are!

I've met them 9 years ago, and I heard Tom says once: "... we met 9 years ago, and it seems like we have met you for the whole life..." and now I think those words are so true... Those words meant a lot to me, because he was kind of saying what he feels about us. Margaret said at the Church back in New Hampshire she was glad to have their daughter (me) and her daughter (Dani) at home for Christmas. Derek also said something like: She is our sister, she is visiting! Today I am glad I had them as well. I've never felt so supported and never felt someone who is not my own blood takes care of me so much like they all do. They give me support, they give me confidence, they give me advise and they give me love. All of this on top of the material things. Love is what I truly appreciate and keep in my heart.

I guess I'll always keep saying to them THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... They must be tired of hearing it but there are no other words to express what I feel about them and about the love they have to my brother who needed them so much, and for us that just appeared one day looking for our boy. Today I gotta say how beautiful people you are!

I've never imagined the possibility to "post" ones feelings anywhere, and now that is what I am doing. This post is so personal and it shows my perception and the meaning of the word FAMILY to me, "not always the family that is our blood but the family that can BECOME your blood"

A Little bit of Mama Chila - by Mireya

Mamá Chila is my grandmother, as my cousin Eva said she’s really a loving and caring, Mother and Grandmother. So delicate and small, with wrinkles from all the hard blows she had received in her life. But every time she has known how to rise above it, how to get trough it. She’s a leader, she always has been the center of the family and the motor who move it. So it was hard for me as a granddaughter to see such a powerful women, fall into the deepest of sadness. This happened when her great-grandchild was killed. I’m talking about Renecito, a beautiful, smart and healthy kid, who's tragic death brought the family together. At the funeral, I saw a different Mamá Chila. She was in a deep thought.

Probably remembering the death of her son René, whom as fate would have it died in similar circumstances. That day I thought that she would become ill and I feared that she could not live with that suffering. The days following, while Renecito's mother Eugenia, was recovering Mamá Chila was so sad. Deep in thought as if she was looking for an reason it happened. As if she was wanting to find the meaning of it all. Trying to turn back time and erase all the pain. Once Eugenia, was back from the hospital, resting and recovering, Mamá Chila began recovering too. Her vitality, energy and happiness returned. I never really lived with my grandmother before.

The last time was when we traveled to Costa Rica all those years ago to meet my cousin Roberto. This time I got to spend more time with her, so I could get to know her a little more. Once again I saw a strong, tenacious woman, who wakes up at 6 in the morning even on Sundays, and she fall sleep at 7 at night. As I said in the beginning, she is the foundation of our family. We all have a little piece of her inside us. I can´t imagine my life with anyone other than Mamá Chila.

The angel sent by God - by Eva

I’ve heard that God takes something away from you but instead he gives you something back and in my case this is true. When I feel the pain of loosing my mom, I try to see the whole picture. I comfort my self because in the end I know He has a plan, the most perfect plan for all of us. It was hard not having her of course but every time I think about it I can’t but to think about my Grandma, the famous and loved Mama Chila.

She is such a strong woman and at the same time the most caring woman I’ve ever known. To look into her eyes, is to look at a whole life filled with suffering and sadness. Every mark on her face shows she is old, but even so she is young at heart. This woman has been through too much, so that the sadness never goes away, even if she is happy. So small and delicate, she has done any kind of work just to support her family. She’s got an incredible wisdom given by God. Always a leader, always the center of the family she is always there for us. She means the whole world to us. She has many daughters and sons because every one loves her as is her blood.

She didn’t give me life, but I don’t think the kind of love she has for us could possibly be named. She loved us like a mom, she loved us like a grandma with a love that could not be described. For all these years she took care of us, suffered, and worried. She worked for us and gave us all material things she could give, but her most important gift was her unconditional love. She showed us the right and wrong, she was an example of how to be a good person, she made us the people we are today and she made me the woman I am.

Never afraid, she never gave up in any situation in her life. She never gave up looking for my brother either and in this story she is the angel God sent to earth to take care of all of us. She is an example of a person who never forgets and never leaves behind her blood.

She used to talk about Roberto a lot. The thing she worried the most was if he was with someone who loved him. It was what she really cared about because she always said she has a lot of love for him. So she wondered all the time: Where is Roberto? Is he loved? Finally one day she announced she was going to El Salvador to look for him even though she knew it was risky. She started the journey with my aunt's help and went to knock on every door she could possibly remember of people my mother was involved with. A lot of them were slammed in her face… One day, her reward came unexpectedly. Years and years of wondering where he was, if he was OK and what kind of boy would he be, finally ended for her.

Everyday I wonder how is that this tiny and old woman could have been so strong and never broke down. So calmed and quite, I never saw her crying…just once...the day she knew Roberto was alive…that day she changed…

Let me tell you she became a different person then. Certainly her sadness was still there but extraordinarily she was happy and you could see it in her eyes. They were never the same any more. Some how she got strength from somewhere and it seemed to me like she started all over again. It was like she could breath again and release part of this pain in her heart. All the effort and pain through all of these years gave her a reward, she has lost a daughter but then she recovered her grandson.

Mila's Last letter

A letter to her mother by my Ana Milagro.

September 23, 1981

Dear Mom,

I hope that when you receive this letter you are in good health as well as everybody around you. Mom the person who carries this letter will ask about the kids and how he can help you. I want you to tell him everything that the children need. I will stay here meantime. I don't know how long but I hope that you can understand my situation. I want to see my children the more than anything but right now I can not.

I could only send you some of the things you asked for because as you know my economical situation is difficult.

On the a different note I want you to explain why you left Nicaragua and what told you those people. Finding out that you are there [in Costa Rica] was for me a great surprise because I don't know your reasons. Can you tell me where Luis is? I haven't see him since I was there.

Some people are telling me that Toto is a cry-baby and is drinking too much coffee. Please don't make them spoiled kids. Remember that they are with you for now but they will be with me again one day

and you know how I am with them.

I want to let you know that Haydee is going to move into her own house in October and we are thinking about selling the apartment. Dalila says not to sell it and Tita says sell it to buy a house instead.

My advise to you is to sell it and have the money sent there because here [in El Salvador] the situation is getting worse every day. It [victory] is not going to be as soon as we thought. Maybe it is going to take two years or more and for that reason it is better that you sell the apartment and try to start over there. Even we [in the movement] don't know how the situation is going to be and if my sisters left the country they wouldn't have anywhere to go. However if you are there they will have somewhere to go in emergency. Dalila might move in when Haydee leaves because if not we will lose the apartment.

Regarding the power of attorney I advise you to do it there with help of a lawyer. Then send it back to the country [El Salvador]. I don't advise going in person because it is too dangerous. Passing trough Honduras is to risky. They let you go inside but do not let you go out. Something bad could happen. Everybody who go inside the country is checked and interrogated. I want to tell you that some female cousins of the Haydee's midwife went there, were taken out of their house, were raped, and killed. For that reason it is better that you do not to go although you I know want to see your daughters. But it would be far instead worse being so close but dead.

Try to solve apartment's problem staying there [in Costa Rica]. Come to an agreement with them [your daughters]. You can call them by phone or write to them but don't let them know where I am because that could be risky. Please tell Vilma the same. She should not to write things that could compromise me because every letter coming out of the country is read. The same goes if you call by phone. Be careful because the risk is with your daughters who are there [El Salvador].

Tina called 5 months ago and she said that she had written several times to Vilma but Vilma didn't answer. Even more she thinks that the letters never were received because of the situation of the country

I explained to her that you were fine and I told her not to worry. I promised I would write to you but I don't know if her letters were received. Tita says that Raulito of Andreita wants to buy the apartment. He wants to get a loan. We told him that you wanted 8,000 colones for it. I Think that is a very good deal. If you still find someone who wants to buy it, sell it. Please do what I tell you because you know better than anybody that I am always truthful with you. Even if you do nothing with the money but spend it on food that money is still yours.

Lupe of Andreita came to ask for clothing and shoes. She said because you always brought her cloth and shoes she misses you. Andreita also came. She has become a fat woman and asked us to send her regards to you. They still live in “Tierra Blanca” [white land]. Alicia lives en “La Santa Lucia” and she rents a house there with a young men and Yolan. She wasn't able to get to United States. Isabel of Andreita is pregnant. La Lupe was looking for a job because Roque's salary is no enough

I sent you photos of the baby. His name is Roberto Alfredo. Tell the kids that he is their little brother. I trust god that they meet him soon. Tell me what Eva says about her father, if she misses him, if she still remembers me. I am fine although I had some problems because of the childbirth but it was nothing serious. The baby looks like Eva.

(Baby Nelson/Roberto and older cousin)

I will see if I can send you money monthly so tell me what you need and how much money you spend. I sent you some things inside of the suitcase. If you need the suitcase then take it, if not send it to me because I need it.

The things which I send are

3 panties for Eva

socks for Toto

1 pan and spoons

2 blankets

1 lotion

1 soup

1 talc

1 blouse for you (Dalila sends it)

underwear for you

1 pair of shoes (Tita sends them)

3 towels

2 pair of pants for Rene

2 shirts

socks

handkerchiefs

shoes

1 jacket

other things

Now I must I say goodbye to you.

The daughter who misses you so much,

Mila

P.S.

Send me Vilma's phone number. I will see if I can call from time to time in order to see how you are. If Luis should call Vilma's mother in law, she shouldn't tell him where you are. She should tell him that you left for the country.