Today I remeber my mother R.I.P.

I guess you could say that this is the day that changed my life forever. It was on this day 26 years ago, three days before my first birthday, that Honduran officials stormed the safe house where I was staying with my mother. At the time my family were fighting as revolutionaries in the Salvadorian Civil War.

We don't know the exact details and probably never will. We think my mother was not in the house when it happened and was able to call my grandmother one last time. We will never know exactly what happened but what I do know is that this was the last time I was with my mother.

While searching the safe house Honduran officials found me in a back room. I was placed in an orphanage for a year before getting adopted.

Its a little strange to think that one moment in time completely changed my life forever. Had my mother left the movement like she wanted too maybe I would have never been lost for 16 years. Its hard to say what might have happened. But I don't spend too much time thinking about that any more.

However for many year I did think about what happened and this day always was very hard for me. I felt like this was the day that everything went wrong, the day I lost the most important person to me. My mother.

A few years ago that started to change for me, when I realized how fortunate I have been in my life. I started to let her go.

I still think of her on this day but its not the same. I think about what she had to give up. The strength it must have taken to put her self and her family in harms way. How impossibly hard it must have been. If I would have done the same. Most of all I think about how the sacrifices she made for me gave me a life and opportunities I might have never have had otherwise.

This may seem a bit off topic but I'm a big Harry Potter fan. I suppose that part of me identifies with that character. His mother died for him so that he could do great things. I see that in my own life and its the reason that I try to live everyday to the fullest. I wanted to share a quote that J.K Rowling uses in the final harry book. To me it says, even though the ones we love are gone they still live on inside of us.

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal. - William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude

R.I.P. Ana Milgro Escobar de Coto. You will always be with me.

Suprise party for me!

After two weeks of working with father business here in David, Panama its time to head out again. Tomorrow I will be taking the bus back to Costa Rica where I will spend a couple days with my older sister before fly home to the US.

Since yesterday was my last day of work everyone at Servicios de Bordado Coto decided to throw me a birthday/going away party. It was a lot of fun and a complete surprise! We stuffed our selves with papusas and cake.

It has been a great trip to panama. We got a lot work done and are continuing to improve the families business. I'll be writing on more about the work I am doing there on my blog for my business Coto Solutions.

One of the things that amazed me about this trip was how connected the world has become. I think my father was surprised as well when I got the commercial he made for the business on the web in about 10 minuets. It hadn't even appeared on and already most of my family had seen it.

Tomorrow I have an 8 hour bus ride from David to San Jose. Its a long day but seeing my family makes it all worth it!

Commerical for my family's business

Just thought I would share this. Its a commercial my father did for the family silk screen business here in David, Panama. Enjoy!

My Grandmother - by Nelson/Roberto

About a month or so ago I found out that my grandmother was sick. At the time we did not know what was wrong with her, but she seemed to think this was the end for her. They told me she was tired and was ready to move on.

This was something I was not expecting to hear from her. Over the past couple of trips I had started to notice her aging more than she had before. I had a lingering feeling that one day I would have to say goodbye. However it wasn't until I heard what she said to my sister that it actually hit me.

I am going to miss her. Now I can't say that I am very close to her. Since my Spanish isn't the greatest, we don't talk much.

When I see her it’s for a few hours each trip. She greets me with a smile and asks me about the rest of the family. She never asks me about my life or what I am doing. She loves to cook for me, and I definitely enjoy her food. It’s so simple and in some ways so meaningful.

It’s not talking, it’s not judging, it’s not questioning. It’s just being together.

I'm not exactly sure why this is affecting me this much. I've had other grandmothers whom I loved pass away, and I didn't feel like this. I don't think I was that close to them either. Maybe it’s because without her I would not be sitting here in my sister's house.

I don't think I can put into words what she means to me and how I feel about her. All I can say is that she never gave up on me and because of her hard work I have had so many happy memories.

She is doing much better now, but I know that one day I will have to say goodbye. Hearing those words was a wake up call in some way. I suddenly knew that each time I see her it might be the last. It’s a little sad to think about, but from now on I will appreciate so much more every moment I get to spend with her.

On the road again

Next week I will be flying down to Central America again to work on a project with my fathers business in Panama. This will be a little shorter than my last trip which was a month long. I'll be down there for 3 weeks.

On the trip I will be doing work for a business that I am trying to start up. As part of this business I am trying to show the impact that technology has on developing nations. If you are interested in learning more about the work I am doing take a look at my company's site. www.cotosolutions.com

I'm excited to see my brother and sisters. My grandmother was sick a couple weeks ago so I am looking forward to seeing her as well. Maybe I will get a chance to do a few more video interviews!

Part 1: Impossible decisions

These next few entries I wrote over the holiday season while I was in Central America. This was our 10 year anniversary since we first met. I spend a lot of time reflecting on our story and how it has effected our family. This is the first of 4 or 5 post that I wrote.

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How do you make an impossible decision. The type of decision can forever change your life and the lives of the people you care about the most. How does you walk away from a husband who drinks to much? Or leave your comrades at arms to raise a family? Hows does a teenager find the strength and courage to run away from his or her parents? How do you leave a business that has been your life's work knowing it might fall apart if you do.

I don't know how we make these decisions. We think and think, yet no matter how hard we think the answer eludes us. We are faced with a choice of doing whats best for us or doing whats best for those around us. You ask your self a never ending set of questions as you struggle to make the right choice. Should you honor your commitments even when you are no longer happy? Are you being selfish or doing whats best for you. When is enough, enough?

I wish there was some easy way to know what the best course of action is, but there isn't. These are things that you must decided for yourself. You can ask for peoples advice and get there input but at the end of the day you have to live with your choices. You must be accountable for your actions and aspect all consequences no matter how undesirable.

Sometimes I feel like our story has been one impossible decision after another. I admire the courage and strength that each of those decisions took to make. There is no right answer. They are impossible because it feels like no ones wins. Even when you know you are doing the best thing for your self you can't help but feel bad for the people it is going to effect.

The moment it all changed

Through most of my life I struggled with the fact that the family that I lived with was not my biological family. I am sure this is something that many adopted persons go through at sometime in there lives. I think much of that came from the fact that when I was younger I knew so little about where I came from and who I was. Your birthday and background are such an important part of your identity and for the first 15 years of my life this was surrounded in mystery.

I think this also stemmed from the fact that I could see my little brother as the child of my parents. He was like them is so many ways and I was so different. Not having people in my life who were like me and who understood me was hard. Then I found my family and I found piece of my self. However part of me would not let go of those child hood dreams of seeing my mother again. How are you just supposed to let go of the one thing you wanted all your life?

In the last interview my sister asked at what point did it all start to make sense? When did everything change for me? I can remember the day. The day where I was finally able to let go of my birth mother and accept who I was.

It was May 2003 and I was in Central America visiting Eva. I was talking with her about our biological mother because May 19th is the day that she was taken from us and a day that I always think about her. It used to be a very difficult day for me. For in my mind this is the day that my world was ripped apart.

I was talking with Eva about this. I was so sad and trying desperately to understand why this happened to us. Then Eva said something that I will never forget. She said that I had a great mother in Margaret and behind her, looking down on us, was our mother.

A few days later I was back in Boston. I think I was still feeling a little down. When I got home Margaret had something for me. It was a letter she had sent me while I was in school. The letter was part of something the school was doing and was supposed to be posted somewhere in school. For whatever reason they received the letter too late and ended up sending it back home.

I opened it up and started to read. The letter said how proud she was of me and what a joy it was to raise both Derek and my self. On the back she wrote "You are my sunshine my only sunshine. Do you remember I used to sing that to you when you were little?"

I broke down. I remembered very clearly when she used to sing that song. I remembered all the difficult time we had. But most of all I remembered how she loved and cared for my over the years. How both adaptive mother and father gave me so much when I was little. How they stood by me when I struggled to understand who I was and what had happened to me. How they always believed in me. How they taught me right from wrong and so many other valuable life lessons.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister was right. Behind my mother was...my mother. I couldn't believe it. This letter I was supposed to receive during school got sent back but arrived when I was away. So I ended up reading it just when i needed it the most. I guess you might call it fate, but from that moment on things got easier. I felt at peace about the situation that I had not felt before.

Looking back years later I can appreciate so much more what my adoptive family was able to give me. Perhaps my longings for growing up with my birth family came from my youthful ignorance. Or maybe it was easier for me to dream of my perfect family then face the difficulties that every family deals with. Whatever it was, I know now I how fortunate I was to have them. After getting to know my biological family more, I see how they struggle with the love and understanding that was given to me unconditionally. How they have a hard time looking past each others short comings and just loving each other for who they are. What I realize now, is that the perfect family I longed for in my youth, I had all along. Not the family that was my blood but the family that became my blood.