The moment it all changed

Through most of my life I struggled with the fact that the family that I lived with was not my biological family. I am sure this is something that many adopted persons go through at sometime in there lives. I think much of that came from the fact that when I was younger I knew so little about where I came from and who I was. Your birthday and background are such an important part of your identity and for the first 15 years of my life this was surrounded in mystery.

I think this also stemmed from the fact that I could see my little brother as the child of my parents. He was like them is so many ways and I was so different. Not having people in my life who were like me and who understood me was hard. Then I found my family and I found piece of my self. However part of me would not let go of those child hood dreams of seeing my mother again. How are you just supposed to let go of the one thing you wanted all your life?

In the last interview my sister asked at what point did it all start to make sense? When did everything change for me? I can remember the day. The day where I was finally able to let go of my birth mother and accept who I was.

It was May 2003 and I was in Central America visiting Eva. I was talking with her about our biological mother because May 19th is the day that she was taken from us and a day that I always think about her. It used to be a very difficult day for me. For in my mind this is the day that my world was ripped apart.

I was talking with Eva about this. I was so sad and trying desperately to understand why this happened to us. Then Eva said something that I will never forget. She said that I had a great mother in Margaret and behind her, looking down on us, was our mother.

A few days later I was back in Boston. I think I was still feeling a little down. When I got home Margaret had something for me. It was a letter she had sent me while I was in school. The letter was part of something the school was doing and was supposed to be posted somewhere in school. For whatever reason they received the letter too late and ended up sending it back home.

I opened it up and started to read. The letter said how proud she was of me and what a joy it was to raise both Derek and my self. On the back she wrote "You are my sunshine my only sunshine. Do you remember I used to sing that to you when you were little?"

I broke down. I remembered very clearly when she used to sing that song. I remembered all the difficult time we had. But most of all I remembered how she loved and cared for my over the years. How both adaptive mother and father gave me so much when I was little. How they stood by me when I struggled to understand who I was and what had happened to me. How they always believed in me. How they taught me right from wrong and so many other valuable life lessons.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister was right. Behind my mother was...my mother. I couldn't believe it. This letter I was supposed to receive during school got sent back but arrived when I was away. So I ended up reading it just when i needed it the most. I guess you might call it fate, but from that moment on things got easier. I felt at peace about the situation that I had not felt before.

Looking back years later I can appreciate so much more what my adoptive family was able to give me. Perhaps my longings for growing up with my birth family came from my youthful ignorance. Or maybe it was easier for me to dream of my perfect family then face the difficulties that every family deals with. Whatever it was, I know now I how fortunate I was to have them. After getting to know my biological family more, I see how they struggle with the love and understanding that was given to me unconditionally. How they have a hard time looking past each others short comings and just loving each other for who they are. What I realize now, is that the perfect family I longed for in my youth, I had all along. Not the family that was my blood but the family that became my blood.

Vlog #5 - Eva interviews me

Here is an interview we did right before I left Costa Rica the other week. I had to break it into two parts because it went over youtube time limited and I didn't want to cut anything out.

We talk about what is was like for me growing up in America and some of my plans for the future. The audio quality isn't the greatest but its still a really great interview.

Vlob #4 - Interview with Ernesto

Its my last day in panama. Tomorrow I'm off to costa rica to spend the weekend with my sister before heading back to the states. This is a video me and my brother did the other day where we talk about what it was like getting to know each other over the past 10 years.

Video Blog #3 - The past 10 years

10 years post

Its hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we first met. Sometimes people say "its feels like just yesterday" For me it feels like a lifetime. It seams like so long ago that I walked out of the airport into the arms of my father and sister. I don't think thats a bad thing either. I have so many good memories since then that I can hardly believe it was only ten years ago.

People sometimes ask "where do you see your self in ten years? Well I can tell you that 10 years ago I would have never guessed this. I would have never guess I would be sitting in panama in front of the Christmas tree. I never would have guess I would be working with my dad and cousin. I never would have guessed I would have such wonderful brothers and sisters to spend the holidays with. I never would have guessed that my mother would be writing about my story or that people would want to hear me talk about it.

I'm trying to come up with something else meaningful to say about everything that happened and I can't. I really wanted to writing something about how incredible these past years have been and how they have effected my life. I also wanted to talk about what a great family I have both here and in America. Maybe its just too hard to sum up 10 years of memories in a couple paragraphs. I'm at a loss for words. Perhaps I shouldn't even try and just enjoy being here with my family.

All I can say for sure is that I am so lucky to have found these incredible people and to be a part of their lives. I know they feel the same way. I love all of you and you all mean so much to me. Happy 10 years.

Missing you – by Eva

Christmas time already! Time for sharing, for good wishes, for happiness and blessings, for family, for friends, for love! God has been good to me and he gave me the big and wonderful family that I now have. I really love you and I am so happy that I have you now, but even though there is always sadness in my heart.

This is the first Christmas since we started the blog, but of course is not the first Christmas without my mom. Thinking about her is always hard, but the time for Christmas and specially my B-day make it harder.

How much I wish to have her every holiday, every birthday, every single day… sometimes it amazes me how much I miss her, sometimes I find myself thinking about her and imagining how it would be to have her. I am sure she would be a beautiful woman, I am sure we would be so close specially cause I am her only daughter, I am sure she would take care of my daughter and would spoil her like grandmas do.

How it would be to have her for Christmas? I wonder… how it would be to prepare Christmas dinner with her, help her and spend my time with her, along with Daniela, Mama Chila and I am sure with other members of my family… she would be a great cooker right? It is part of our family. How hard is sometimes not to cry when I think about her, every tear is a sign of how much I miss her…

I can’t think about how many Christmas, b-days and holidays I’ve missed her, sometimes I can’t think how I’ve lived without her. The feeling in my heart does not fade away, I still miss her same I missed her when I was 3. But I keep going, life is just about that right? Keep going, growing as a person and living with your experiences, trying to get the best of them. I can’t help to feel sad when I think about her, but I guess it means she is still on my heart.

I really miss you mom you will always be here in my heart...Merry Christmas, you know how much I love you…

Eva and Roberto Video interview #2